Why reshaping memories may hold the key to raising self-esteem
Negative self-talk like "you're an idiot" or "you're weak" when experiencing emotions may signal struggles with self-worth, according to psychologist Marisa Franco, a New York Times bestselling author and professor at the University of Maryland with a PhD in counseling psychology. Franco defines self-worth as feeling good about yourself and treating your emotions as valid.
The encouraging news is that self-worth can be developed and strengthened over time. Franco's new book, Worth: The New Science of Self-Esteem and Secure Attachment, published in September, draws on cutting-edge psychology and neuroscience research to provide practical exercises for building a stronger sense of personal value. Research demonstrates that self-esteem has a robust connection to health and well-being, with meta-analyses showing links to reduced depression, anxiety, and improved mental health outcomes.
The Science Behind Memory and Self-Esteem
One particularly effective method involves revisiting difficult memories through a process called memory reconsolidation. This approach builds on the work of behavioral neuroscientist Karim Nader at McGill University, whose groundbreaking 2000 study published in Nature revived scientific interest in the theory. Nader's research demonstrated that when memories are reactivated, they must undergo another re-storage process, opening a window for therapeutic intervention.
"It's about looking back at these memories, giving yourself catharsis and allowing those feelings to move through you more so they don't continue to shape your sense of self right now," Franco explains.
The technique goes beyond mere reflection. Memory reconsolidation research has shown potential clinical applications for treating conditions like post-traumatic stress disorder and addiction by targeting maladaptive memories.
The process works because memories don't simply record the past—they actively predict the future. When you revisit a memory and envision your adult self intervening with reassurance like "You're safe, I care about you and I'm never going to leave you," the intervention can be transformative. Studies show this leads to higher self-esteem, fewer trauma symptoms, and measurable changes in the hippocampus, the brain region where memories are stored.
The Reparenting Exercise
Franco demonstrates the technique through a memory from her childhood when her mother arrived late to soccer practice. As one of the few children of color on the team, she felt shame, embarrassment, and a sense of being different from everyone else.
In the exercise, Franco pictures her current self arriving before her mother. "Adult me looks so excited to see younger me. Adult me gives younger me a hug and says, 'Oh my gosh, I'm so happy that I get to pick you up. Even though your mom is late, she loves you.'"
The technique, adapted from Franco's work and research by psychologist Soljana Çili at the University of the Arts London, is rooted in reparenting—a psychotherapeutic approach that originated in the late 1960s within transactional analysis theory. Çili's research on autobiographical memory found that recalling positive self-defining memories leads to higher state self-esteem compared to recalling negative memories, demonstrating the powerful connection between memory and self-perception.
Franco describes the emotional impact: "It allows me to see the good in the world, to not evaluate things based off of the negativity eclipsing everything good about it. It makes me feel more valued, more enthusiastic, less afraid, bolder."
Why Self-Esteem Matters
"All the beauties of life slip off of you when you have lower self-esteem," Franco notes. "You can experience great success and still feel like a failure. You can find great love and still feel unlovable. So your ability to internalize the good is disrupted by your own sense of self."
The stakes are significant. A 2025 meta-analysis of 114 studies found that low self-esteem is moderately to strongly linked to suicidal ideation, and research suggests that approximately 85% of people in the United States struggle with low self-esteem at some point in their lives.
When people can feel good about themselves, they become capable of receiving and internalizing the positive experiences in their lives more deeply. The memory reconsolidation exercise offers a concrete, science-backed tool for this transformation—one that not only changes how people feel but creates measurable changes in the brain itself.
Franco, who previously authored the New York Times bestseller Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make—and Keep—Friends, brings her expertise in attachment theory and counseling psychology to this work. The reparenting technique she describes represents an evolution of therapeutic approaches that have developed since the 1960s, now enhanced by modern neuroscience understanding of how memories can be reshaped to support healing and growth.
