A Daily Memory Exercise Can Help Combat Insecurity and Build Self-Worth
Past experiences shape how we see ourselves today, but those memories don't have to define us forever. A psychological technique called memory reconsolidation offers a practical way to challenge old patterns of insecurity and build stronger self-esteem.
Dr. Marisa Franco, a psychologist and professor at the University of Maryland who holds a PhD in counseling psychology, has dedicated her career to understanding how people can improve their emotional well-being. Her latest book, Worth: The New Science of Self-Esteem and Secure Attachment, explores the connection between our memories and our sense of self-worth. Franco previously authored the New York Times bestseller Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make—and Keep—Friends.
Memory reconsolidation is the process by which retrieved memories become temporarily unstable and open to modification. When we recall a memory, it enters a brief window during which the brain can update or alter it before storing it again. This neurological phenomenon has been successfully applied in therapeutic settings, particularly for treating PTSD and trauma-related conditions.
The Link Between Memories and Self-Esteem
Research demonstrates that self-esteem is significantly linked to attachment style. According to attachment theory, individuals who experienced secure early social interactions develop higher self-esteem than those with insecure attachment patterns. Self-esteem serves as a mediator between childhood attachment experiences and adult attachment patterns.
The stakes are considerable. A 2025 quantitative synthesis published in Personality and Social Psychology Review aggregated data from 40 meta-analyses covering more than 2,000 studies and 1 million participants worldwide. The research found self-esteem had a robust correlation with health and well-being, with the strongest link appearing for mental health specifically.
Low self-esteem affects a substantial portion of the population. A US national survey of 5,000 adults reported that 32.4% scored chronically low on the Rosenberg Self-Esteem Scale, a widely used assessment tool. Some estimates place the incidence of poor self-esteem in the general population as high as 85%.
The mental health implications are significant. Research has found that students with low self-esteem face five times higher risk of experiencing mental distress compared to those with healthier self-regard.
How the Memory-Updating Exercise Works
Franco's approach draws on the science of memory reconsolidation to help people reframe negative self-perceptions formed in the past. The technique can be practiced daily and requires no special equipment or training.
Memory reconsolidation therapy typically follows a three-step process. First, individuals consciously bring negative emotions and memories into awareness. Next, they introduce a contradictory emotional response or perspective that challenges the original interpretation. Finally, they allow this newer, more balanced understanding to replace the original negative pattern.
The exercise Franco recommends involves identifying a specific memory that contributes to feelings of insecurity or low self-worth. Rather than simply trying to suppress or avoid these memories, practitioners actively recall them while simultaneously introducing new information or perspectives that contradict the negative conclusions they originally drew.
For example, someone who remembers being criticized harshly as a child might recall that experience while also recognizing that the criticism reflected the adult's own issues rather than the child's inherent worth. By repeatedly practicing this dual awareness, the brain gradually updates the emotional weight and meaning attached to the memory.
Making It a Daily Practice
Franco emphasizes that consistency matters more than duration. Even a few minutes each day spent consciously updating negative memories can produce meaningful changes over time. The technique works because each time we retrieve and update a memory, we have another opportunity to reshape its emotional impact.
The approach differs from traditional positive thinking or affirmations. Rather than trying to overlay optimistic thoughts on top of negative beliefs, memory updating works with the actual neural mechanisms that store and retrieve emotional experiences. This makes the changes feel more authentic and lasting.
While the technique can be practiced independently, Franco notes that people dealing with significant trauma or mental health challenges may benefit from working with a trained therapist who can guide the process safely and effectively.
The goal is not to erase difficult memories or pretend painful experiences never happened. Instead, the practice helps people develop a more secure sense of self by updating the conclusions they drew from those experiences and building resilience against old patterns of insecurity.
